I wonder what the ancient Greeks would think of the modern-day Olympics?

Oh sure, events such as running as fast as you can, wrestling and boxing still exist, but I doubt they did much surfing or mountain biking back in 776 BC. Team handball was probably played, but with a big rock instead of a ball. That made life tough for a goalie.

As it is, medals will be awarded in 339 events these next 10 days at the Summer Olympics in Tokyo. Athletes from around the world are competing in 33 sports, except for Russia, which had a bunch of dopers, so they’re competing as the Russian Olympic Committee.

Some events I marvel at. Synchronized diving is insane. Others, I shake my head. Rock climbing? That’s a sport I could’ve medaled in had it been offered back in the day. I once traversed the treacherous and rocky terrain of the Devil’s Staircase in Riverside Park without plunging to my certain death in the Rock River.

And what’s with 3-on-3 basketball? I like a good hoops game as much as anyone, but this format is like watching three mice chase each other around in a shoe box. The U.S. women’s team is undefeated because they have a 7-foot-8 girl on the team that just stands there in the lane waiting for her teammates to lob her the ball. It reminds me of Chief playing basketball in “One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest.”

And do we really need 16 different canoeing events? That’s another sport I could’ve brought gold home back in 1981 after an intense ascent down the Rock River from the Indianford Dam to Traxler Park as part of Janesville Parker’s Outdoor Ed curriculum.

With both the Winter and Summer Olympics adding new sports to their itinerary every four years, I feel like it’s time for the IOC to appoint me as the official Games Commissioner. These are sporting events that the Olympics need.

Beer Pong

Imagine the excitement as the drunk U.S. men’s team, all hailing from Sheboygan, hones in on a gold medal despite team captain Larry Brewski being passed out in the corner.

The rules would have to be specific for this discipline, but imagine how fun it would be to watch on TV. The beer pong double-elimination or no members left standing tournament would take place in a six-hour span with no breaks allowed. Russia......or the ROC, would likely protest because beer was used instead of vodka.

This is one sport that many of us have played at some point of our lives. It deserves its minute of Olympic glory.

Dodgeball

Everyone’s favorite gym-class sport growing up, although I knew the game as bombardment while dominating the bi-weekly Friday sessions at Madison Elementary School.

As the immortal Patches O’Houlihan coined, “if you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.”

The U.S. men’s team could feature Jacob DeGrom, Max Scherzer, myself and Josh Hader. My guess is that we’d have to get by Japan and Shohei Ohtani for the gold medal.

And let’s face it, dodgeball would be a lot more entertaining than team handball.

Marco Polo

Everyone’s favorite underwater game makes it debut at the 2024 Summer Olympics in Paris, France.

I was really good at cheating at this game, but I was also “Marco” 90 percent of the time because I was really bad at holding my breath under water, finding and tagging “Polo.”

I’m thinking I can lure Michael Phelps out of retirement to head the U.S. team, and that Geico could be our official sponsor.

Corn Hole or Bags

Depending on where you live, this fast-rising sport that goes by corn hole in the south and bags in the north, deserves a shot in the Olympics.

You can’t tailgate at American Family Field or Lambeau Field without bags of corn-filled fun filling the air.

I envision matching polyester shirts and bags for the U.S. teams, and all boards designed and built by my good friend and professional board-maker Jon Mageland.

The venue for this event would have to be at some pub—or Brasserie as they’re called—in Paris with Lynyrd Skynyrd or AC/DC blaring in the background.

Jarts

Despite the fact that we were warned that you could lose an eye playing this game, I say bring back lawn darts.

Whether it’s that yellow circle that never stayed together or those darts that everybody liked to skip across the driveway cause they sparked, this sport was a childhood favorite for many.

Imagine hitting someone from the ROC in the foot with one of these bad boys during a match and then saying in your best Ivan Drago voice, “I must break you.”

Those are five legitimate sports that deserve some Olympic love.

If we can give out medals in four different skateboarding events, we can certainly add these five to the mix.

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