Happy Mother’s Day! Which, if you are a mother, you know is a contradiction in terms.

While mothers do indeed experience moments of great joy, the idea of an entire day free of heart-stopping fear about some aspect of the kids’ health, happiness, choice of friends, music, video games, grades, attitude and/or desire to drive is pretty unthinkable.

Moms are amazingly creative in their ability to imagine terror where none exists—sort of like local news teams. Are you excessively mom-ish? Take this Mom-O-Meter quiz to find out:

The bathtub is

a) A place you can slip and break your arm.

b) A place you can drown.

c) A place you can splash and play with bath toys.

d) All of the above but not necessarily in that order.

A swing is

a) Something you could easily get hit in the head by if you don’t look where you’re going!

b) There is no B.

A stick is something

a) That could poke your eye(s) out.

b) That you should never run with.

c) To roast marshmallows on, if you ever get near a fire, God forbid.

The bed is a place to

a) Jump off of and break your other arm.

b) Sleep, which you should have started doing hours ago, but no! You dawdled, and now it is (FILL IN RIDICULOUSLY LATE TIME), and you are going to be very tired tomorrow!

c) Read, but not with a flashlight, because you’ll go blind AND be very tired tomorrow.

A warm spring shower in the park means

a) You could get hit by lightning.

b) You could get hit by a tree that gets hit by lightning.

c) You could run giggling through a puddle, get your socks wet, come home with a cold and die of pneumonia—or at least miss school, never learn long division and end up a dropout.

Prom is a very special night, synonymous with

a) Slutty dresses.

b) Unwanted pregnancy.

c) Excessive drinking.

d) Fiery car crashes.

e) Some combination of the above.

f) Some combination of the above, AND you will be very tired tomorrow!

SCORE: If you checked any of these answers, you either are a mom or were reared by one. A toast—to them! (But don’t clink too hard or your glass could break.)

Lenore Skenazy is author of “Has the World Gone Skenazy?”

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