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Call Waiting, It's the Vatican

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James Martin
February 11, 2013

Pope Benedict XVI has decided to step down from his role as leader of the Catholic Church. In reading his statement, I was struck by his humility and prose. And with that resignation, the world will anxiously await the plumes of white smoke coming from the Sistine Chapel.

Participating in the longest free election process in history will be the College of Cardinals. This college, consisting of about 130 men, will decide via secret ballot who will lead the church. Upon an unsuccessful ballot, black smoke rises from the chapel, white smoke proclaims a new pope has been selected. As we await that smoke, the Cardinals pray for guidance as they seek a new leader.

Now the formal tradition is that one should not campaign for this position. But that was before the age of the constant campaign. It is not commonly known, but any male Catholic in good standing may be elected. Now I do not stand so well any longer, but I am Catholic and male. So breaking with formal tradition, I am reaching out to the College of Cardinals to say I am available if called.

You are familiar with Political Action Committees to finance elections. I am forming a Pontifical Action Committee to fund my campaign to become Supreme Pontiff. Donations are not tax deductible, but sincerely appreciated. And because it is pontifical and not political, there is no limit on the amount you may donate. Your generosity will be appreciated and blessings may ensue.

I do not have a platform nor a particular agenda, but believe that things would markedly improve if more people would do what I tell them. Time has shown that I am generally right, and when I am wrong it is because the listener did not correctly hear me. You can see that I will handle the power well.

So if you can get the ear of a Cardinal, drop my name and give him my number. I have call waiting, so I will know it's the Vatican.


James Martin is a former attorney and graduate of Gonzaga University and Marquette Law School. He lives in Spring Prairie near Burlington. He has been diagnosed with Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, or ALS. He is married with 6 kids. James is a community blogger and is not a part of The Gazette staff. His opinion is not necessarily that of the Gazette staff or management.


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