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Ten Universal Truths

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James Martin
October 25, 2012

With advanced age comes great wisdom. And the older I get, the wiser I am. In fact I would declare that generally I am the smartest person in the room. That is not such an accomplishment as it only applies when I am home alone.

Regardless, over the course of my life I have uncovered a number of universal truths. So in the interest of humanity and world peace, I share with you my discoveries of ten universal truths.

  1. Your need to go to the bathroom is inversely porportional to your ability to go to the bathroom. In other words, sitting on the aisle you do not have to pee. But as soon as you are trapped in the middle of the row, your bladder is attacked by a boa-constrictor gradually applying pressure, all simply because of your location. The same applies to road trips. You are perfectly fine until A. you pass the rest area exit or B. you are stuck in the middle lane in bumper to bumper traffic. The acknowledgment of this universal truth results in the following law: never pass up the opportunity to go to the bathroom. Words of wisdom to live by.

  2. There is a mathematical formula for home gardening. Jim's planting tomatoes or cucumber formula: Determine the number of plants you wish to plant, divide by two and add one. This universal truth will result in an appropriate number of fresh vegetables for your family as oppossed to enough for your area code. Expressed in mathmatical form [T(C)/2] +1=FH (Family Harvest). Einstein eat your heart out.

  3. Regardless of the size of the bunch, you will still throw away two bananas.

  4. The turning off of lights, replacing the toilet paper roll, throwing away the empty cereal box and closing the refidgerator door are physically impossible tasks for people under twenty one. Which interestingly is also the age when you care if the beer is cold.

  5. The best parents in the world are twenty four year old social workers with no children. This rule also applies to sports, the best coaches are sitting in the stands.

  6. The only truthful part of a "universal remote" is that you have to search the entire universe before you find the $#@&% remote.

  7. That if the government had to work as hard as I did to get my money, they would spend it better.

  8. Most things are better with bacon.

  9. The most frequently spoken word in the English language is "Mom". (Also pronounced: mom? Mooooooom? and MOM!) Mom is said more times by eight a.m. than most words are said all day.

  10. If you live in a swing state during a presidential election year, you should disconnect your phone from October 15th through the election. Otherwise you will be inundated with calls from this party, that party, and groups with names like "The American Foundation For Interrupting Dinner with Annoying Phone Calls With Recorded Phone Messages From People Whose Opinion I Would Not Seek To Recommend A Restaurant, Let Alone My President, not affiliated with any candidate or party."

There you have it, ten universal truths according to Jim. And here you thought Stephen Hawking was the only brilliant person with ALS.



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