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Having a Bang on the Fourth

Regardless of what the calendar or the solstices dictate, I believe the summer is defined by a pair of holidays. I consider Memorial Day to be the true beginning of summer, and Labor Day the end.

And of course, Independence Day, the Fourth of July, qualifies as our mid-summer night’s dream.

The Fourth is a fun holiday with a serious purpose behind it. It bears a lot of similarities to Memorial Day and Veterans Day, but while those holidays can be somber in its remembrance of those who fought for our freedom, the Fourth is a good ol’ celebration with softball tournaments, parades, cookouts, beer gardens, and of course, fireworks.

Living in Milton, we have the luxury of having a parade, the only one in the area. Of course, attendance for this event is huge, so you have to go claim your seat early in the morning by placing blankets at your designated location. By 9 a.m., Madison Avenue looks like the aftermath of a slumber party. After all, you have to have a good curbside seat so your children can dart into the street, dodging Shriner cars and horse manure, to snap up every last Tootsie Roll that was thrown from a float.

Because of its status as the only area parade, every politician for miles around seems to be present. They’re all there: federal, state, local, incumbents, challengers…everyone from senators to coroners. Sometimes it feels like you’re watching television and the only channels you can receive are C-SPAN, Wisconsin Eye and JATV.

Independence Day is one of the last holdout holidays to remain on its appointed calendar day rather than being moved to Monday, which is as it should be. I mean, how could the “Fourth of July” be celebrated on any other day? It would be like when Veterans Day was briefly moved in the 1970s from November 11 to the last Monday in October. This year, falling on Sunday, most of the world gets Monday off as its holiday, which works out just fine. But I don’t mind it when the holiday falls mid-week and breaks the work week into small pieces. Personally, I like the mid-week rest day.

When the Fourth falls within the week, it can also change your way of celebrating the holiday. If your way includes overindulging before, during and after the fireworks, it doesn’t exactly lead to a productive workday the following day. After all, he who goes forth with a fifth on the Fourth shall not go forth on the fifth.

Men and women enjoy the fireworks in different ways. Women like to watch them from at least 300 feet away. Men like to light them and run. Sure, watching the big display at the local park is fun, but that’s nothing compared to orchestrating your own backyard extravaganza.

Now before I go on, let me state that I do not in any way advocate the purchase, possession, or detonation of illegal fireworks. I wouldn’t dream of entering a convenience store in South Dakota and walking out with enough Black Cat firecrackers to knock out the foundation of my house. I mean, that would be wrong.

But let’s face it, there’s something in the male DNA that instinctually drives us to light a fuse and watch something go ‘BOOM.’ Thankfully, most of us keep our explosive tendencies in check -- within reason. As a guy, I have to admit that there’s a certain allure to the fact that firecrackers, skyrockets and the other really cool fireworks are illegal. What kind of challenge is better than this? We have the potential for hurting ourselves, burning down the neighborhood, and getting caught by the cops--a perfect trifecta of danger!

I haven’t looked this up, but I would guess that 99.5% of the people who hurt themselves playing with fireworks are male gender-oriented. I base this guess on the fact that almost everyone who gets mentioned in Darwin Award stories (for killing or injuring himself in an incredibly stupid way) is a guy.

The big debate is whether this means women are smarter than men, or just have no taste for adventure. I submit as evidence the fact that women still outlive men in this country by about seven years. And I also submit evidence from the leading authority on goofball men, my wife Linda, who claims that just watching us act foolish is amusement enough for most women.

So this Fourth, as you enjoy the fireworks displays that get bigger and brighter every year, look around at all the men in the crowd and imagine what we’re all thinking.

Boy, I wish I was lighting those.