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The Great Milton Parade

(For my first 'official' blog entry, I'm going to cheat and post the final column I wrote for the Messenger. It's on topic and still semi-timely. - Jim)

July 3 is a busy day in Milton.

Like settlers during the Oklahoma Land Run, the citizens of Milton stake their claim to choice curbside seats for the following day’s Independence Day parade. By nightfall, you’ll see blankets, chairs and roped-off sections up and down the parade route.

The Milton parade is always entertaining, in ways both expected and unexpected. It’s certainly an interactive parade – a lot of viewers aren’t content to simply watch the proceedings go by. Human pyramids will spontaneously form in the street whenever there’s a large gap. This year, I witnessed one guy make a feeble attempt at a cartwheel – but he still received applause for his efforts. And of course, there is the horse manure pool. You pay your money and chalk your outline in the street. If a horse ‘drops’ within your outline, you win. It’s a gambling endeavor that Pete Rose – a man who knows something about horse manure – would certainly enjoy.

There’s something about a parade that turns grown adults into 12-year-olds. Adults routinely beg as loudly as kids for candy to be thrown their way. My childish contribution this year was to yell at a person dressed as President Lincoln, “Hey, Abe, how was the play?”

Because 2009 is not an election year, only one state legislator and one county board member graced this year’s parade, rather than the usual horde. Volunteers for 2010 governor candidate Scott Walker worked the crowd, handing out NASCAR and Green Bay Packers schedules. Give them credit for knowing what sells in Milton. I guarantee that next year, with elections imminent, the number of candidates will extend the parade by 15 minutes.

For whatever reason – perhaps the rain that finally subsided once the parade started - there didn’t seem to be as many 4-H club princes and princesses riding the route in convertibles. It’s always a kick to see young people in formal dress trying not to look bored out of their skulls as they do their parade waves.

However, the big omission this year was the Zor Shriner cars. I don’t ever recall seeing the Milton parade without the Shriners. A parade without Shriner cars is like a Three Stooges film without Curly.

Still, for all the usual suspects that were absent, there seemed to be an increase in the number of private businesses that took part. One friend described the parade as a “mobile commercial.” As an advertising salesperson myself, it’s hard to argue against free publicity in front of a captive audience. But even the best ad placement in the world can lose effectiveness if the message isn’t quite right. Case in point: a float for a massage parlor that featured a woman lying on her back on a table, getting her calves massaged by a therapist standing at her feet. Because of the placement of the woman and the therapist, my sister-in-law initially believed the float was simulating a birth.

Finally, it wouldn’t be a Milton parade without some sort of bizarre occurrence. Unfortunately, these can sometimes be tragic, as was the case a few years ago when a horse got spooked and injured himself so severely that he had to be euthanized right there on the parade route.

This year’s oddity wasn’t a tragedy, but it had the potential to be one. Just up the street from us, a man suddenly raced around the left side of a stopped tractor, waving his arms and warning people to get out of the way. We saw people jump away from the curb, and then a huge antique steam tractor barreled past the stopped tractor. It was rolling down the Madison Avenue hill without brakes.

As the tractor approached us, we backed away from the street as well, as a nervous-looking man in bib overalls pulled with all of his might on a hand lever. Although the tractor was a runaway, the driver managed to safely steer around the stopped tractor and keep the vehicle in the street. Looking ahead, an unsuspecting man on a riding lawn mower was pulling a caterpillar chain of children in hollowed out oil barrels on wheels. A chill went up my spine as the runaway tractor began to close in. Fortunately, the tractor rolled to a stop before it got near the children - thanks to the efforts of the driver, the bottom of the hill, divine providence, or some combination of each.

Whoever said parades were boring hasn’t been to Milton on the Fourth of July.