Tremble before me, saith the fanatic
--Grover Norquist, President of Americans for Tax Reform
Here at the First Church of Grover, we like to keep things simple.
Government is evil. Taxes make government possible. So taxes are evil.
Any taxes, at any time, for any reason.
Here at the First Church of Grover, we never get hung up in the gray areas. Gray areas are no match for the clarity, for the certainty, of black and white. Gray areas can give rise to ambiguity, to nuance. Gray areas can lead to thinking. (Perhaps that’s why the brain is called “gray matter.”) So there are no gray areas here—not at the First Church of Grover.
There is black and white. There is wrong and right.
We know the difference—and we’re taking names.
At the First Church of Grover, heretics are dealt with firmly. It’s the only way to maintain the purity of our principles. (It’s the only way to ensure the effectiveness of our brand.) A temporary tax cut brought to an end is a tax increase; woe betide the man or woman who seeks to bring about this result. A “loophole” closed is likewise a tax increase; there can be no peace for those who attempt to alter the existing order.
They have broken their promise to the American people. They have broken their promise to their constituents.
They have broken their promise to the First Church of Grover.
They have strayed from The Pledge.
When they sign The Pledge, public servants, and those who wish to become public servants, take a sacred vow. They enter into a holy covenant that cannot be broken—not for political expediency, nor for “mathematics,” nor for the sake of “compromise.” Essential truths can never be compromised, and at the First Church of Grover, there is but one essential truth:
Taxes are evil. Any taxes, at any time, for any reason.
Did we mention that we’re taking names?
So don’t even think about seeking out “wiggle room.” Don’t even think about offering “minor” concessions for the sake of some “grand bargain.” Faith is strong at the First Church of Grover, and memories are long.
We direct campaign contributions from all across the nation; heretics receive no further campaign contributions. We support primary challenges; heretics find their road to re-election blocked by true believers, by those genuinely pure of heart, with no desire to deviate.
Cross the First Church of Grover at your peril, for Grover is a righteous and a vengeful God!
Bow instead in penitence, and return to the path of faith and utter submission. That is the only way to find salvation. That is the only way to cleanse oneself of sin.
If schoolhouses need to be shuttered, so be it.
If weapons systems need to be scrapped, so be it.
If there are fewer air-traffic controllers, fewer food-safety inspectors, fewer infant immunizations, so be it. These are things government does with the taxes it collects. As government is unnecessary, these things, and all similar things, are unnecessary. As government is evil, these things, and all similar things, are evil.
Be rid of all these things, and be glad.
See how simple it is?
Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist. You can write to him at firstname.lastname@example.org.