You can take these promises to the campaign bank
Just so you know:
I will never apologize for America. I will never travel around the world apologizing for America, and I won’t stay home apologizing for America either. Apologizing would be saying we’d done something wrong. A president of the United States should never say we’ve done something wrong—that’s what separates America from other countries.
I will never bow before foreign leaders. To bow before foreign leaders is contrary to everything America is about. Unlike some people, I’m proud to stand tall as an American.
I will always understand what it means to be an American, with American values. There are some people who only pretend to understand what it means to be an American, and who try to pass themselves off as American, with American values. But I can see right through them, and the real American people can see right through them, too.
I will always make sure that America’s military might is second to none, unlike certain people who want America’s military might to be second to some. Or even third. You know who those people are. You don’t need me to tell you.
I will never cause the collapse of the American economy. If there’s ever another collapse of the American economy, I will know exactly who caused it (it won’t be me), and I’ll be willing to name names. None of the people or institutions whose names I name will be friends or allies of mine. They will be people and institutions whose beliefs and values differ from mine, and differ from the beliefs and values of the American people. People like Fannie Mae, and Freddie Mac and Barney Frank.
I will always fight to defend the sanctity of marriage, and if that fight requires me to marry several different people in rapid succession, I will be willing to do that to defend the sacred principles I so deeply believe in.
I will never exclude patriotic Americans from being full participants in our American political process, no matter how many billions of dollars they may have earned or inherited. Discrimination against people because of their income is wrong—what is it about the American Dream that certain people hate so much?
And speaking of exclusion…
I will never exclude Almighty God from being a full participant in our life as a great nation. Just because God is all-powerful, that doesn’t give the EPA permission to mess around with him. On my first day as your president, that will stop.
I will never try to balance the budget on the backs of America’s job creators. Everyone knows it’s harder to balance things on a tiny point than on a big fat mass. I will make sure America stays balanced on the big fat mass.
I will never pretend that I am better than the average American. If I happen to be better educated or better informed than the average person, or better able to wrestle with complicated problems and complex subjects, I will do everything I can to hide any evidence of that.
I will never forget that there’s a big difference between a “leader” and an “elite-er.”
And one more thing:
Unlike some people, I will always believe in the greatness of America, and I will never forget that our future is still ahead of us.
These are my promises to you.
Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist. You can write to him at firstname.lastname@example.org.