This year’s perfect candidate
“Hi there, and thanks for visiting my campaign website—I’m so glad you’re here! I’m the outsider in this race—in fact, that’s my name: Outsider. Rank Outsider.
“I had it legally changed a few months ago, to avoid any confusion with other candidates who were claiming that they were outsiders. But they’re not true outsiders—I am. They’re not the real McCoy—I am. In fact, before I changed my name to Rank Outsider, it used to be Real McCoy, so I know exactly what I’m talking about.
“And what I’m talking about is earning your support when you cast your vote in November. This country of ours is in an awful mess—everybody agrees on that. And our nation’s capital is totally broken—everybody agrees on that, too.
“Well, there’s one other thing you need to know: I had nothing to do with it! I’ve never served in Congress. I’ve never worked for one of those big Washington bureaucracies. I won’t even watch ‘Real Housewives of DC.’
“That’s the absolute truth, and this stack of Holy Bibles I’ve got standing right beside me here is all the proof you’ll ever need of that.
“The last time I set foot in Washington was on a class trip in fifth grade—that’s how much of an outsider I am! And I hated the place! So I’m just the kind of person you need there to really shake things up because I’m not in the pocket of all those Washington special interests. Or any other special interests either. I’m my own person. And I’m an outsider—that’s the main thing to remember.
“I’ve never met Charlie Rangel—I wouldn’t know him if I tripped over him in the congressional cafeteria. Or Maxine Waters either—I’ve never laid eyes on either one of them. But I promise you this: You send me to Washington this November, and if those two are still around when I get there, I’ll give them the evil eye every time I see them. Once somebody shows me who they are. And if there’s a cafeteria.
“In the meantime, I’ll wear my new outsider freshness, and my fresh outsider newness, like badges of honor because that’s exactly what they are. And that’s why you should vote for me. And also ethical behavior—how important is that? Very!
“You know, I can’t even find Washington on a map—if you elect me, I’ll have to buy a GPS just to get there in time for my swearing in!
“Won’t that be a great change? Somebody fresh and new, who can bring some freshness? And some newness? It’s time to drain the swamp—not just talk about draining the swamp, but actually get out there and drain the swamp!
“I don’t know exactly where the swamp is, but once I have the GPS, that shouldn’t be an issue, and then I can start right in on some serious swamp draining, along with anybody else from either party who’s serious about doing something about our terrible swamp problem.
“You see, there’s never been a time when the country needed outsiders more than it does right now. Not illegal outsiders, of course—those are absolutely the wrong kind of outsiders! But legal outsiders, uncorrupted by ever living in Washington or Mexico, and ready to put us on a path to a strong economy, and a strong national security, and a strong ethics, and a strong everything else, so help me God.
“Did I mention that I’m an outsider?”
Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist. You can write to him at firstname.lastname@example.org.