Housework is WHOSE work?
JANESVILLE — A million zillion years ago, when the first two blobs of life crawled out of the primordial ooze, the female blob was already resentful.
She was tired of doing all the cleaning around the mud pit. After evolving all day, now she had to pick up his blob socks, find something for supper and vacuum the potato chip fragments from around his recliner, where he spent most of his time watching other single-cell organisms play golf on the television.
As for the male blob, he felt like he was doing OK, pitwork-wise. He certainly did more work that his father ever did. Besides, every time he made an effort, she was critical.
Eventually, household roles got sorted out and things went along more or less smoothly era after era.
And then … things got bad again.
"It's a general rule that for the majority of married couples, where both members of the couple are employed, the woman does more housework," said Autumn Behringer, assistant professor of sociology at UW-Rock County.
Women everywhere will read that and say, "Well, duh."
And men everywhere will read that, roll their eyes, and say, "Do we have to talk about this again?"
Yes, we do have to talk about it again.
And no, we can't have this conversation while you're watching television.
First, the facts
In a study published in 2007 in the Journal of Family Issues, researchers at the George Mason University in Fairfax, Va., and North Carolina State University found that men living with their girlfriends do more housework than married men.
When the couple is married, the amount of housework a woman does increases, as though the marriage license means a slip back into more traditional roles.
The study, which included 17,636 men and women in 28 countries, asked men and women to report how much of the housework they did.
In the United States, men's average was 37.3 percent, and woman's average was 70.6 percent.
Remember, that's self-reporting, meaning that both sexes gave an opinion about the amount of work they each did.
Now women everywhere are saying, "Ha! I knew it. They don't do as much housework, and they admit it!"
Now men everywhere are wishing for a succinct message about what they're supposed to be doing.
Guess what?
The men have just summed up the problem in a pleasing, golf ball-sized nutshell.
"In the past, when men became husbands, they knew what their roles were; when women became wives, they knew what their roles were," Behringer said. "Now we don't have a set definition."
Now crabby-pants of both genders are wondering why things had to change.
"Women's roles have evolved," Behringer said. "Women left the private domain to go into the public domain. It's a lot harder for men to go the other way."
The public domain has perks such as salaries, the respect of other people and status.
Work in the private domain is under appreciated, unpaid and not fun.
"They call them 'chores' for a reason," Behringer said. "Nobody likes cleaning toilets."
Raising children is valuable work and can be rewarding but—let's be honest—mothers and homemakers have never received the respect they deserve.
Less talking, more communicating
Let's get back to that moment, several paragraphs ago, when men had it right.
Because men's roles have changed so much, sometimes they find it difficult to know what's expected of them.
To add to that problem, women have higher standards of cleanliness.
In part, that's because culture tends to view the house as a reflection of the woman, Behringer said.
If the dishes are piled up in the sink, nobody wonders why the husband doesn't tidy up.
"Some women are unwilling to lower their standards," Behringer said. "It's why some women will not relinquish control of their households."
Now women everywhere are thinking, "He does a lousy job on purpose so he won't have to do it again."
Now men everywhere are thinking, "Yeah, why should I have to rinse the plates off completely before putting them in the dishwasher?"
Part of lowering standards—perhaps it would be better to say changing standards—is to keep the criticism to a minimum.
"Nobody likes to clean the countertops and then be told they missed a spot," Behringer said with a laugh.
Finally, parceling out household jobs shouldn't require a G8-style summit.
Women don't need to talk about the way the dirty countertop makes them feel—a simple and direct question is usually best, Behringer said.
Her formula for success?
Simple, calm, respect communication and compromise. No launching an attack, no pointing out the other person's deficiencies, despite how satisfying that might feel.
Oct 8, 2009 at 9:05 p.m.
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Figures, leaving a women to do a man's work! Ha Ha back.
Oct 8, 2009 at 5:05 p.m.
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pushing 40 as well haha
Oct 8, 2009 at 5:05 p.m.
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I did a load yesterday and the day before and have one left (1/2). they piled a bit too high this time - oops.
Oct 8, 2009 at 4:07 p.m.
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Hannah,
I am not old, nor young anymore, pushing 40 and still think women do things better than most men, like cooking, but I guess I could learn with some practice. My name of 'cookiedough' does after all have cook in it. You just have to go with the flow because the older generation both men and women are set in their ways and most will never change no matter what you do to convince them otherwise. Now, get to work doing those dishes in the kitchen where you belong - just kidding!!!!!!
Oct 8, 2009 at 3:20 p.m.
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cookiedough- thanks for being a REAL man. I could just hit the OLD men who think it is the womans JOB to do this stuff ALL THE TIME. One came in here once and said "you do this for a LIVING" I wanted to say no "just for the heck of it I dont get paid you know women shouldnt get paid to do a MANS job"
Oct 8, 2009 at 3:11 p.m.
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Men speak up - I do most of dishes, vacuum, clean/sweep floors, take out recyclables/garbage, mow lawn/yardwork, and fix most stuff that needs fixing or cleaning around the house. The misses works more hours and full-time though vs. me part time, so who really cares. We get it done eventually whether together or alone. I could care less who does it as long as it gets done eventually. Rolls would be reversed if I was working full time and the misses part time, except I would still mow lawn/garbage/most of yard work. She still cooks almost all the time and cleans the bathroom. Most men are helping out more nowadays than 20 years ago as well as they should since more women are working full time just like men are as well they should because times are tough nowadays with less time for household duties and more and more employers cutting back hours or reducing employees pay or not giving raises. Welcome to the real world.
Oct 8, 2009 at 12:08 p.m.
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I have never resented my role as the wife and mother. I do most of the housework, even though I work Part time. my husband has a very demanding job and I don't care if he helps. But he does, and I appreciate it. With that said I wish we could go back to the leave it to Beaver days, it seemed so much easier! and now some humor from my son: Do you know why women don't wear a watch? Because there is a clock on the stove!!!Now go make me a sandwich!! Ha Ha!!!!
Oct 8, 2009 at 11:45 a.m.
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my husband loves to bake and cook and create . He is off today but busy installing a window and plumbing something sorry. I bet dinner maybe ready when I get home too yeah!
Oct 8, 2009 at 11:20 a.m.
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Would someone please make me a pie and do the dishes?
Oct 8, 2009 at 11:15 a.m.
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partician- well said
I liked kays comments as well
sugarbear- also well said- the dishes can pile up in our house and one of us will get it done. Laundry seems a co- effort as well. one puts it in and other drys and it usually gets put away sometime before the next goes in.
Our house isnt nasty either. maybe a little dusty and sometimes dishes pile up and a table gets full of stuff. then I get into a habit that no dishes are ever laying around. Then I get back into the habit where there is a whole load on the counter. OH WELL. We both work a lot of hours and it will get done.
I have seen NASTY. sometimes it gets a bit dusty too but it will get dusted sometime. My mom used to have me dust WEEKLY. Maybe that is where I get it from that it isnt necessary to dust weekly.
WHO cooks? WHOEVER feels like it.
Who does yard work- both
maintance on the car- THE DEALER
fixing stuff- usually husband because I dont know how to. I can sweat a pipe thought haha
I can cope (sp?)trim too. We do a lot together and I think THAT is what works best. Sometimes it may not be done as well as I wished but it is sure better than it not being done at all I say.
I worked with a guy to this day his wife has never put gas in the car and to clean IS HER JOB. what ever!!!!
Oct 8, 2009 at 6:28 a.m.
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After looking at the User Policy Agreement, I am not sure why my comment was removed. Maybe Catherine was offended...
Oct 7, 2009 at 11:03 p.m.
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melstew47 my wife is lucky to be married to me and i help with the house work, when she gets done cleaning the white glove comes out and i show where she missed like a good husband .
Oct 7, 2009 at 11:02 p.m.
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meistew47.....would you look at the date on that....1954....from a high school home ec text book....
Obviously you don't get it....we've come a long way baby...
Oct 7, 2009 at 10:33 p.m.
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to biker joe,i truly enjoyed reading your post.you sound as if you and your family are very happy with how you have worked things out.may you and your family have many more happy days.as for klick and theone,maybe you two should get together,seeing how you both have the same mentality,my gosh im still laughing,i feel sorry for your spouses,but maybe you two live in a dream world,well i guess you would have to be to expect that.lol
Oct 7, 2009 at 10:20 p.m.
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what happened to honor and obey thy husband ?
Oct 7, 2009 at 2:41 p.m.
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Kay13: Am I perpetuating gender roles? I took a lot of Women's Studies classes in college. That was in the mid-1980s, and I assumed that in a couple of decades, those roles would disappear or become less defined. But it's now 2009, and I've discovered that women in my age group (40s) and younger are still doing the majority of the housework, even if both members of the couple are working. Studies from a variety of sources confirm that.
So is it perpetuating a stereotype if cross-cultural studies show it exists? We can't change gender roles by pretending they don't exist.
I also think that the father's role is crucial--and I tried to address that in the story and sidebar.
Oct 7, 2009 at 2:18 p.m.
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sugar: Best post of the day :O)
Oct 7, 2009 at 1:23 p.m.
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biker joe you have a very blessed family and your wife is very lucky. If I could have been a stay at home mom, I would have done it. I do not mind doing the household chores and raising the kids. Problem is my ex husband couldnt afford to raise the family on one income alone so I had to work outside the home. If more couples could afford to have one person stay home I am sure the chores would be divided up as such, but since most families are required to have two incomes to survive now days its impossible not to split up the chores. My boyfriend is great around the house. Yes I cook as well as my son because he doesnt, I dust and vacuum and he pays the bills, balances the books, cleans the bathrooms which I hate anyways, and my son does the dishes and both guys take care of the lawn and garbage detail and we all help with laundry. I think I have it pretty good now. The only time I have ever been upset over chores is when I have worked a longer day then everyone else and I was the last to get home and their is mud all over the kitchen floor from the dog and no one cleaned it up. But I have now learned, oh well who cares and either I clean it up or someone else will eventually no point in getting worked up over it. Life is too short to sweat the small stuff so who cares about chores. Just enjoy your family cause they may not be here tomorrow and do what works for you!
Oct 7, 2009 at 12:58 p.m.
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House work isn't so easily divided between man and woman work. Everyone should pitch in and do their share. I have the potential to make a lot more money than my spouse, and I do most of the chores because I do a better job, and I like to have things a certain way. No complaints from either side. I also know I can work on my car if I need to, can fix the mower when it's broke, and carry a few chords of wood in an afternoon if it needs to be done. I'm no lumberjane or anything like that; I was raised to have a very strong work ethic. Women work just as hard as men, sometimes even harder. In my profession, I am the odd one out because I am a woman in a tradionally male dominated job. I work smart and I get paid more than my male peers. I don't get bent out of shape if the dishes aren't done, and neither does my husband. We both agree that compulsive housecleaning is for the birds, and we don't live in a pigpen, either. In my opinion, it's whoever has the time and energy to do what needs to be done is who does the chore. No chores are either exclusively male or female.
Oct 7, 2009 at 8:17 a.m.
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My Wife chooses to stay home to raise our children and care for the home. I work a full time 50hrs+ job and budget our money carefully in order for her to do that. She does the cooking, cleaning, laundry. I take care of home and vehicle maintenance and our oldest son handles most of the yard work. We as a couple, made the decision that having more "Stuff" (Bigger home, nicer car, etc) was not worth sending our children to daycare and allowing someone else to raise them. I have never taken a “superior” attitude or position over my wife, or expected her to wait on me hand and foot. She is, as I am, perfectly content in our roles in the home and we do as well have a very healthy and happy relationship As well as 4 sons who are active in sports, Church, and maintaining above average grades.
Oct 7, 2009 at 6:45 a.m.
Oct 6, 2009 at 10:27 p.m.
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I'm still hurling from theone's post....'scuse me I have to go brush my teeth again...oh, I better hurry, the "blessed one" may be home from work soon.
The division of the housework is "sort of" what broke up the last long term relationship I was in. His misogynist view of women and lack of respect for women went hand in hand with his view of women's "roles" in relationships. There is more to "housework" than cleaning and cooking and more to relationships than who does what.
I do appreciate the comments made by Kay13...thanks!
Oct 6, 2009 at 9:54 p.m.
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HOW TO BE A GOOD WIFE
Home Economics High School Text Book, 1954
Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal, on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so that you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the home just before your husband arrives, gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.
Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad he is home.
Some don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
Make the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.
The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
Oct 6, 2009 at 9:47 p.m.
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And make me a sandwich!
Oct 6, 2009 at 8:47 p.m.
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God created woman for domestic work and sherry don't tell me to stick a rag in my mouth now go clean something .
Oct 6, 2009 at 8:21 p.m.
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In our house, my husband does the grocery shopping and cooking, I make sure that bills are paid on time, and we both clean. We don't fight about anything, no one's nagging, and no one's resentful. We both work outside the home, and I don't see why we should fall into traditional gendered roles at home.
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Ms. Idzerda paints couples as assuming very typical gender roles and makes incredible generalizations about men's and women's beliefs and behaviors. (And, ahem, assumes that all couples are heterosexual). Even if she uses a study based on hetero couples, her perpetuation of stereotypes is ridiculous.
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And she misses a key point: we need to teach our children (boys and girls) to participate in household chores. If boys don't see their fathers being good role models in this regard, how do we expect things to change?
Oct 6, 2009 at 5:25 p.m.
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Is the author saying that she is either a woman scorned, or that from the primordial oooz women were in a bad mood?
Oct 6, 2009 at 4:55 p.m.
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Uh-oh. Evolution discussion starting in 3, 2, ....
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