Janesville71.8°

There’s news, and then there’s Palin news

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Rick Horowitz
November 19, 2009

“Good evening, and welcome to another installment of ‘Global Glimpses.’ I’m James Prynterzink, joined as always by Wendell Picapole.”


“Good evening, James. There’s plenty to report tonight—plenty of news happening all around the world, in fact. And our lead story: President Barack Obama wraps up a week-long trip to Asia, where he found difficult issues, and difficult negotiations, with partners and rivals alike.”


“Absolutely, Wendell. It was no doubt with some sense of relief that Mr. Obama made his final stop a very friendly one in South Korea, a strong American ally. Of course, even that part of the trip wasn’t without its problems demanding attention—most especially, what to do about the nuclear ambitions of that rogue regime in neighboring North Korea. Now…”

“You did it.”


“Now, Mr. Obama and South Korean president…”


“You did it. I knew you’d do it.”


“South Korean—excuse me a moment. I did what?”


“You said ‘rogue.’”


“So?”


“‘Rogue regime in North Korea.’ You said it. I knew you’d say it.”


“And I have no idea what you’re talking about.”


“Sure you do. You said ‘rogue.’ Just like in ‘Going Rogue.’”


“It had nothing to…”


“Of course it did! You wanted to talk about Sarah Palin.”


“Sarah Palin?! That’s the most ridiculous idea I…”


“Not at all. You’re dying to talk about her.”


“I…”


“Even though we’re a serious news show, deep down inside you needed to talk about her, and that book of hers.”

“That’s just silly! Why would I want to talk about a book I haven’t read? And have no intention of reading?”


“Because everybody else is talking about it! She’s on every other show on the planet with her book, and her tour, and all her interviews, and…”


“And this concerns me…how?”


“You’re feeling left out. So you thought maybe you’d slip something under the radar—make an allusion to her—just so you could be part of the buzz.”
“I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but we don’t do buzz.”

“And it’s tearing you up inside, isn’t it? All your life you wanted to be a news anchor, and now here you are, sitting behind the desk of a real news show just like you always dreamed about, and all anybody wants to hear about is Sarah Palin, Sarah Palin, Sarah Pa…”


“I don’t care what the other shows are doing. I only care about what we’re doing, and that we stick to our standards. Sarah Palin isn’t news. Sarah Palin’s book isn’t news. Sarah Palin’s book tour isn’t news. Sarah Palin’s…”

“You think she’s hot!”


“I think you’re nuts!!”


“Admit it—you’ve got a thing for her. If she ever did this show…”


“Over my dead body!”


“If she ever did this show, you’d turn into a great big puddle right there on the floor. They’d have to get out the mop!”


“You’ve gone off your meds again, haven’t you? Or maybe that little nap in the afternoon?”


“Admit it! You love her! Admit it! You…”


“My apologies, ladies and gentlemen. We’ll take a short break, and I’ll ask a security guard to get my colleague under control.”


“‘I’ll ask a…’! You said ‘I’ll ask a…’!! But you really meant ‘Alaska’!!! You…”


“We’ll be right back.”


Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist. You can write to him at rickhoro@execpc.com.

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