Take two studies and call them in the morning
What we told you before? Forget it.
What we said you had to worry about? Nope.
What we advised you to get checked out on a regular basis? Not so much.
That thing that was always on your mind because we told you it should always be on your mind? Well, we’ve thought about it some more, and now we don’t think it should always be on your mind. Now and then, maybe, but not always. Certainly not always.
At least not until we think about it again.
That thing that never even occurred to you to be concerned about because we constantly reassured you that it was nothing to be concerned about? You might want to fret about it a little more than you’ve been doing. Maybe even a lot more than you’ve been doing.
We’re not trying to cause any panic, you understand. We’re just giving you the benefit of the very latest information, which just happens to contradict the previous latest information. But this latest latest information is definitive. Absolutely.
Until there’s even later information.
If you’ve been eating plenty of this and that because we kept proclaiming that this and that are good for you—and the more of this and that, the better—you might want to scale back a bit. “This” is still pretty good for you, but “that”? We’ve got our doubts about “that.” Except for certain people, of course, where “that” is still pretty good for you, but we’ve got our doubts about “this.” It all depends.
But you knew that.
Just like it all depends when it comes to exercise. We may have given you the impression that some particular amount of exercise, and even some particular types of exercise, done on a particular number of days each and every week, are vital to your physical and psychological well-being. Maybe so, maybe no. We could use some more data on that one.
By the way, all the stuff we’ve been telling you to do before you start doing your exercise? To give you the full benefits of your exercise? Turns out it doesn’t give you any benefits at all. It might even be harmful. Believe us—nobody was more surprised than we were. Stop doing it.
And that’s even before you factor in the environmental effects. There’s no way you shouldn’t factor in the environmental effects—not if you care about your health, and not with what the newest research is telling us about all the dangers that have been lurking out there for decades, or at least since last Thursday.
For that matter, that miracle drug you’ve been popping like candy for whatever it is you’ve got, because a drug this incredibly effective for whatever it is you’ve got only comes around once in a blue moon? We probably should have mentioned the side effects. The other side effects.
Or maybe you’ve already noticed them. They’re nothing to be alarmed about, for most people. The rest of you should probably see your doctor in the next 12 hours. Or even a specialist. Just to be on the safe side.
And one more thing:
Everything we’re telling you now? It’s the other way around for children younger than 6.
Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist. You can write to him at firstname.lastname@example.org.