No to nuance! No to nuance!
Tired of being ridiculed by tin-pot dictators? Fed up with kowtowing to “international opinion”? Frustrated by those constant challenges to American influence from losers who should know better?
Your worries are over!
Yes, friends, with E-Z Diplomacy, you’ll never take another backward step, and you’ll run the world with the same old confidence you used to have. Why settle for settling when you can have it your way? Why pussyfoot around a problem when it’s simpler than ever to eliminate it and get exactly what you want?
E-Z Diplomacy will show you how. Our renowned instructors will share the know-how they’ve acquired over years of service in Washington’s elite corps of Republican strategists and conservative commentators. And our easy-to-follow instructions—available on DVD, Blu-ray, or downloadable to your iPod—will have you throwing your weight around in no time.
--Don’t like a policy? Denounce it!
--Don’t like a treaty? Ignore it!
--Don’t like a regime? Get rid of it!
This is diplomacy with muscle. This is E-Z Diplomacy.
“Absolutely the best diplomatic training program out there. These are the same kinds of strategies we used in handling actual real-life situations in the actual real-life world.”
—G.W. Bush., Dallas, Texas
Let others waste time “talking to”—and even “listening to”—people we don’t agree with. While they’re spinning their wheels, you’ll be spinning your web of power and command.
Let others worry that coming out publicly for a particular side in some major foreign dispute might have precisely the opposite effect, and put the “bad guys” even more firmly in charge. In today’s fast-paced world, who has time for that kind of complicated reasoning?
Let others constantly “take the temperature” of the so-called “community of nations.” You’ve got a better idea: Why use a thermometer when you can stick a boot up their butt?
That’s the way we’ve always done it. That’s the E-Z Diplomacy way. And now it can be your way, too!
“Thank goodness for the gang at E-Z Diplomacy—they know what’s what, and they don’t waste time ‘thinking through the ramifications.’”
—R.B. Cheney, Undisclosed Location
Forget about “nuance” and careful “calibration.” Forget about thinking three steps ahead—with E-Z Diplomacy, it’s one step at a time, every time. And sometimes, you won’t have to think at all!
--You’ll learn the secret of the three S’s: Strength, Sound Bites, and Squeeze ’em Hard.
--You’ll learn how to highlight those historical analogies that really sting.
--You’ll learn to do whatever feels right right now—and damn the consequences! The bad guys are going to claim that you’re exerting your influence whether you do anything or not, so why not give them something to really scream about?
These are only a few of the dozens of proven techniques you’ll have at your fingertips after just 30 days with E-Z Diplomacy.
In fact, in no time at all, you’ll be well on your way to being a true power player. The kind of diplomat who doesn’t care what the rest of the world thinks of us. The kind of American who knows that speaking your mind makes you feel good about yourself, whatever the results in some God-forsaken corner of the planet.
We’re so sure you’ll be pleased, we can offer you this iron-clad guarantee: If you’re not completely satisfied with the new, assertive you in just 30 days of E-Z Diplomacy, we’ll tell you to do exactly the same things all over again. Only louder.
Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist. You can write to him at firstname.lastname@example.org.