you judge parents for what their children choose when they become adults The old saying " it takes a village to raise a child" holds true but not today as so many people want to blame someone and parents are the someone mostly... A majority of parents dont say I want my child to grow up and go to prison or do drugs. Most kids want to fit in and they will sometimes do what ever it takes to do so including do drugs, drink, break the law. To blame parents is not going to solve the issue as most parents do their best to teach their kids to do the right thing and I as a parent did just that and what they chose to do as adults is not on my lack of parenting skills but rather their choice to not abide by the laws................

srjndb, you make an excellent point. It is taught from day 1 on television that there is an easy way out. yes, there is a "right way", but if you can't take that, take the easy way. Then there is the debate of who has the "right way"...could it be that religion/politics/schools decide our lives for us or do we, as individuals, actually have a choice, after all? and if we, individually CAN choose, do we have the CAPACITY to make the right choice? hmmmm...I have some pondering to do...

I have to agree with almost all of you. BUT, has anyone ever thought about how we do things in this country? Think about it, what do you see on tv almost every time commercials come on, DRUGS. this country raises there children on drugs from as early as 5 and maybe earlier. Is your child too energetic? We have a pill for that! Is your child not paying attention in school? We have a pill for that too! Our kids are raised on pharmaceuticals and we wonder why they become drug addicts! Kids aren't supposed to pay attention all the time, they are supposed to be energetic! If your kid is hyper then find a way for him/her to run off some of that energy, don't teach him that a PILL will fix it! STOP teaching your kids to do drugs and then telling them they are bad!

I believe some of this is true to an extent regarding the parenting now verses 15 years ago. But in general kids are faster these days in everything. Being aware of what your child is into as much as possible does help. I see a lot of kids running the streets at all hours of the day without any supervision and some of these kids are young too young to have so much freedom. I have seen kids who are very supervised pick up nasty habits just from school. The problem is that todays society is faster, more violent, everything is so easy to get and noone is scared of what will happen to them not adults and surely not children

I'll be sure to let you know when I am on a speaking circuit, hank. lol

btw: I am not, nor was I a perfect parent when my kids were young, but I can guarantee that my kids, yes, now grown, have more respect for me and the decisions made then, than if I had let them do whatever they wanted whenever they wanted and didn't set APPROPRIATE boundaries AND punishments. They are responsible tax paying, employed, high school graduates with goals, no children of their own yet, one is a homeowner, one works two jobs and neither abuses alcohol or uses drugs or smokes cigarettes. I firmly believe that it was a mixture of sheer luck and good parenting.

Look at everyone on here arguring..there are bigger problems out there instead of bickering about eachothers parenting, maybe trying to help each other would be a better thing. And no one should be out there judging anyone. No one knows how people were raised, and most of those who were raised in an unstable enviroment only know how to parent the same.. The way childern act now a days is because of the government, the influence of thier friends, and the community.Government tells you how to parent,and what is there for childern to do around janesville? They took alot away of things that I used to do. Maybe they should take a look at that.

Momof5 - Totally agree with you on this one!!

hank: BOLOGNA!!!! Kids do NOT run away when they are happy at home. So, yes, if little Suzy runs away, it IS partially your fault. You may not have made her run away, but you played some sort of role in it at some point. And, I'm sorry, hanky, I'm not taking ANY responsibility for YOUR kid running away, doing heroin or anything else. Then again, after reading your posts, I'd runaway if I were your kid too!

How many parents on here have kids that hit/fight with their brothers or sisters ?

Quote - "A lot of parenting advice,and comments about parenting,coming from people that have never been parents."
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How in the h#$% would you know who on here is and is not a parent.
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Also i agree, im sick of people calling everything a disease, as someone said, no disease made you pick up that needle in the 1st place. Blaming it on a disease is ignorance. Man up and take control of your life.
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Its similar to all the overweight people who blame genetics on being fat, yet sit and down a bag of cheetos and a 6 pack of mountain dew every night. Man up and take control of your life, sure your more "prone" to being obese but it just means all you need is a little extra work.

While I was not happy about it as a kid, I'm glad my parents were tough enough on me. I was spanked a few times, grounded a handful of times, had my mouth washed out with soap a couple times and had to stand in the corner sometimes but I learned to behave. I wasn't a bad or out of control kid by any means but I'm glad my parents paid attention. That said, I have a pretty good relationship with them now.
So thanks mom and dad for effectively disciplining your kid. You didn't do "time outs" you didn't "count to five" and you didn't wimp out. You were in control. You also didn't try to be my friend too much. I'm a better person for it.

So blame the heroin and all the other awful things kids do on the "bad parent" eh? Yeah right. Not to mention discipline and setting boundaries and being involved with your children which will ALWAYS make your kid perfect. I remember growing up and being overly disciplined to the point where it made boot camp look like Disney Land. Did that make me little miss perfect? Heck no. It made me want to do what I wanted to do even more. And I did. Did I try heroin? Nope. Did my parents have something do do with it? No to that too. I didn't do it because I deemed that as a "hard" drug, something for junkies and addicts living on the streets. I know what the consequences of the drug are and I was not interested. Do I want to get a buzz or die? Pretty simple. I made a choice, it had nothing to do with how my parents did or didn't raise me. Did I smoke pot or take pills, drink or whatever else? Yep, tried em all. Why? I made a choice. Sure they have bad consequences associated with them too but I did what I did. Kids make choices all the time whether they are good or bad or whether we agree with them or not. It's going to happen anyway you look at it. Yes, you can guide them to an extent but after that point it is all on them.

I so highly agree with frog88. Serious topics such as this should be discussed among those that have had to go through this experience and,or have done a lot of research on it. I pray for all addicts and families experiencing life with a child, spouse,sister,brother,parent,grandchild or whoever it may be,addict.Knowledge and Support are big parts of the healing process.My hope for those ,is that the healing begins.

I would just like to say to everyone until you have experienced being a parent of a drug addict first hand none of you know what it is like to deal with this. you can be the best or worst parent in the world and you have no control over what your child chooses to do when you are not around them.
Everyone please stop acting like they have all the answers because you don't no one does.
If anyone had the right answer we would have this under control.
All you can do if hope and pray your child makes the right choices in life and if they do not you need to be there day after day to help them through it.

Lily: I am a parent! And I never said that addiction was not a disease. However when the person starts using a drug they are NOT addicted at that point. That is where bad parenting comes into play, being a good parent will help the child to make the right decision and decide not to start using in the first place. The child chose to start (that was a choice not a disease, they chose knowing that the drug was addictive), usually because they were not raised properly, so keep differing blame but I know where it lies even if you can not admit it.

A lot of parenting advice,and comments about parenting,coming from people that have never been parents.Preach about things you have practiced yourself,especially something as important as parenting, otherwise your advice is worthless! Calling a disease of the brain an excuse,is total ignorance!!

It always bothers me as parent when people talk about needing to be a parent not a friend. But what does that mean? Hitting your child is being a good parent? Threatening violence and intimidation is being a good parent? It appears as though you either are a softy or a hard a-- and nothing in between. What makes someone a good parent is knowing when to hold your child to a standard that you yourself abide by and being a friend. And, here is the problem; considering the amount of adultery, drunk driving and drinking that goes on, very few adults have any moral foundation on which to stand.

People claim that everything is a disease, stop making excuses. No disease will ever make you start taking drugs that is a persons choice to start. Yes, addiction is a problem, but if you never start then you will never be addicted! Excuses, Excuses, Excuses…take responsibility for yourself and raise your children so be responsible adults who don't chose to start using drugs.

I am of age where I should have children (according to my mother!) and I look around at alot of people my age who have children and I am appauled at how they are raising their kids.
They have no concept of disapline. When I was little, if I did something wrong, I was spanked and I learned real quick that by the time my mom or dad got to 3 I had better stop. From that point on, I wasn't really a bad kid because I was raised to know right and wrong.
That is the problem with parents now. They aren't teaching their children healthy boundaries and so they are searching for ways to sooth themselves and get attention.
If you make the decision to have a child then you need to be a parent and a role model, not a friend. It is a huge responsibility raising a kid and if you aren't up to it then let someone else who is do it.
I am so sick of people passing the blame. Parents...you are to blame a good portion of the time. It is time to step up and do your job!

I don't believe that bad parenting *will* result in drug addiction for the child, or that every child who is addicted to drugs grew up without parental discipline, but I *do* believe that a child is at higher risk of becoming addicted when they have parents who aren't willing to be a parent, but would rather be a friend.

The proven fact is addiction is not a moral failing or an issue of not having enough willpower. It is a disease of the brain that can and must be treated like other chronic medical illnesses - such as diabetes, hypertension, or asthsma-in order to defeat the disease. Diseases are not results from bad parenting. Should do some research before you speak!

As an employee in retail, I've noticed that this lack of parenting starts early on, when the kids are still in diapers. Now, not *every* parent is a bad parent, but the majority of parents that I've seen aren't even parents at all. Those kids have a higher chance of growing up to be nothing.

When I was growing up, my mom was my mom, not my friend, and I swear I hated her for that. I was always angry at her for disciplining me and for not being a "cool" parent and letting me do whatever I wanted. But now, as an adult, I have a healthy relationship with her and am glad that she wasn't my friend, but my mother, as I was growing up.

Not every child will respond to consistant discipline, but if *every* parent were to scold their child when appropriate, our crime level would be much lower than it is today.

It is the parent’s responsibility to teach their children right from wrong, that responsibility can not lie anywhere else. However too many parents do not want to raise their children they just assume that the schools will do that and they can be their kids friends. That is the attitude that has gotten us into this mess. I have seen it in too many of my relatives; it is to the point with some where I will not let my daughter over to their homes if I am not with her. And for some reason they fail to understand why I am not allowing them to have her there without me present. But even when I am there I need to scold their kids nonstop for hitting my daughter. Don’t get me wrong she will get yelled at once or twice also but at least I am scolding her. They do nothing but watch their little brats hit and kick my daughter who is younger than them. And if they do nothing about their kids when I am there why should I believe that they will stop it when I am not there. Yet they don’t see anything wrong with their parenting ways, it just sickens me. You need to direct your children to help them grow into good adults. (p.s. I know one parent who when their kid turned 16 took him a bag of pot and a case of beer and had him choose. Well he chose the beer at the time but guess what he uses both now, plus pills, and worse and has flunked out of college, and she is still supporting his lifestyle.) Parents need to lead by example, you are not a friend you are a parent and should be a role model.

McGowan hit it on the head....parents first, then friends. Tough love is what will be needed....otherwise you might lose your child.
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P.S. no tolerance for drugs, people.

PS.. By trying to type fast with big fingers, I did make a few typo's.

In the 6th & 7th lines we're my biggie is..

"she laughs when he does he hits her (thats parental teaching)."

Just remove "does he"

And

"I keep telling her.. "your going to have real trouble when it gets to school if you don't stop letting him do that."

No I'm didn't mean to refer to my grandson as "it".. I just wasn't paying attention.

I think them blaming teens using heroin on there parents is BS. There just looking for someone to blame. When i used to do heroin a lot and everything. Me starting had nothing to do with my parents and how they raised me. I have semi strict parents and they care about what i'm doing and who i'm with i was just really good at hiding it. People don't do heroin becuase of how there parents raised them, they do it becasue everyone does it and says how good it is. Also, It's pretty cheeap too. So, Everyone who thinks there kid could never do heroin and that you rasied them right. Your wrong.

I've thought myself may times.. "baby boomers have screwed up there kids, by wanting to be they're buddies. Once in a while while my boys were growing up, I'd find myself almost falling into that role.. then my common sense kicked in &, I thought better of it. Right now I'm watching my son & his wife, try to raise my grandson. My daughter-in-law grew up with a single mom who treated her kids as her Buddies, & now she's doing that to my grandson. He's not even 3 years old, & he's already hitting her. she laughs when he does he hits her (thats parental teaching). I keep telling her.. "your going to have real trouble when it gets to school if you don't stop letting him do that." The rely I get is common for Buddy Parents, "Oh.. he didn't mean anything by it." I think to myself, "YEAH RIGHT" or I get, "he sees his cousins do it, so he thinks its ok".. DUH.. like i said.. "Babyboomers (A lot of them,... not all) have screwed up this generation of parents.

And in answer to the first paragraph. Yes.. I have turned in my son for doing something illegal. He was 7 yrs old, & lifted a candy bar from K-Mart. If i had not done what I did, he would have continued, & I have no regrets. From then on, I never he never had police contact again, & he's in his early 20's now, works, supports his wife & son. So do the right thing parents, and your child might just get through the hardest part of life untouched by your kid dropping out of high school, Drugs, Alcohol, Jail, Prison, , or Death. Do the wrong thing, & in today's World, your almost guaranteed one of the above. Its your choice, not your child's!

Wife and I raised 2 boys-one is 19 at BTC and the other a senior in high school. Parents.. BE A FREAKING ROLE MODEL..Your kids will do as you do. Supervise what is going on all the time. Problem friends need to be dealt with. Either the friend straightens up or you don't allow them to hang out. Teach your kids right from wrong and make sure they know there are consequences for wrong. We spoil our kids and never were ones to beat them. They know that honesty, and being responsible for their actions gets them whatever they want from us. Anything less and they don't get squat.
Kids need to know that they can come to their parents and tell them anything without punishment as long as they tell the truth. Otherwise they feel it is better to take the chance of being a liar and getting away with it. Each kid responds differently to parenting. Find what works and stick with it. So far it's worked for us. "knocks on wood"

i see your post spunkmeyer;)

Yes by the time a kid is 12 they can think for them selves, maybe even younger, HOWEVER if you have not been there up untill then - yeah they are gonna try anythign they want. My son is 4 and we already have talks a couple times a week about smoking and drugs. I am a parent first and a friend to my kids. I dont think you can pick one. If you are just a parent and do the parent thing the kids will never talk to you about anything. If yoru a friend they dont respect you. My mom was always my mom first but also a friend who I knew I could talk to and not be judged.

Quote- "Blaming the parents is a buch of BS too."
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Hence a prime example of whats wrong, If the parents wont take responsibility do you really expect the kids too?

I'd like to give you a ^5, too, Spunkmeyer! :D

tamt722, that's exactly what I'm talking about! I don't think that's what "most" Mom's do, but I think that's what most mother's SHOULD do! If you do those things, stay in communication with them and recognize and discuss when they're having a bad day, they'll be much less inclined to consider turning to a chemical to "feel better". I think it's been proven that kids/people turn to alcohol and drugs to minimize the pain of rejection, hopelessness and lonliness. If they are told and shown that they are loved in spite of their mistakes, have someone they trust and can talk openly with and have some joy in their lives-something that brings them happiness-whether it's a pet, a game, a tv show...they will be better able to handle the bumps in the road that life inevitably brings. I'd like to give you a ^5, tamt722! and thanks for doing your part as a responsible parent. There are no guarantees in our kids turning out the way we envisioned, of course, but at least you are doing your best..and that means ALOT!

"“It starts with alcohol, and it’s ignored,” McGowan said. “Trust me, it’s ignored.” Then kids try painkillers that are so readily available, McGowan said."
Well looky there! Marijuana isn't the scary gateway drug after all. It's alcohol and painkillers found in their very own homes! Whoda thunk it?!?

I agree we shouldn't be our child's friend. I don't know if I would turn my son in for drinking at a party, but his punishment from me would be brutal. First, he'd lose his cell phone, then the video games, and then being stuck in the living room. I don't send my kid's to their rooms, that's exactly where they want to be. They'd lose the most important thing to them for punishment. I don't believe in physical punishment but do believe in emotional warfare. The cell phone condition is that they answer thier phones anytime I call, or I'll come looking for them. If they are staying at a friend's and anything seems fishy, I'll stop by unnanounced. They don't hate me for this because it's normal for them. I've always been this way. If their grades drop below a C average, the video game system is gone until I get a progress report.
I am scared to death of heroin. I know that even though I'm strict, it's possible they could do it. I talk to them about it. They know my fears and I've tried to scare them. I find articles in magazines and make the boys read them. They think I'm a little nuts, but they know I'm serious. I still worry about them and always will. That's what most moms do, right?

oh, and do you, as parents, cooperate with your child's teacher regarding disciplinary actions or do you have the opinion that your little susie or little johnnie couldn't possibly have been misbehaving in school? After all, you've NEVER witnessed them misbehaving at home. Food for thought: is it POSSIBLE that you don't pay attention to anything they do at home and miss the opportunities to correct their bad behavior at home?

spare the rod and spoil the child..

wait a second. I think what McGowan is saying starts WAY before a kid even has a concept of illegal drugs. or even being in school all day, for that matter! It most CERTAINLY IS the parent's fault. Do you know who your kids hang out with? Do you know where these "friends" live? Do you know how to call them at said home? Do you let your kids wander around town aimlessly with no checking-in and no idea where they are if you needed to find them (without using the cell phone that EVERY person in the household "has to have")? Do you supervise your children's activities? Do you check to make sure they have completed their homework? Do you ensure that they contribute to society somehow (volunteering at a homeless shelter, donate food, pick up trash, help a neighbor or elderly person in need carry groceries)? Kids today are spoiled little brats who think the world revolves around them and for them. Sorry. If your kid is one of those brats, they are in for a rough life. And you can't really blame them in the end...it's YOUR job as a parent to teach them how to live!

A non-existent parenting problem for a non-existent drug problem. The problem in parenting is that parents won't simply leave their job to discipline and teach to the punitive legal system?!. . . . Give me a break! Never, never parents turn your kids in because there are lifelong consequences for a drug sentencing, including the inability to get any financial aid for higher education and the inability to get a number of jobs.

I would turn my kid in. They've got a responsibility to learn what the real world is like.

This IS NOT just a parents fault.When a adult tells the school there's a problem and they flat out tell you that you don't know what your talking about....Until all adults take the needed actions and stop worrying if they are stepping on others toes and passing judgement more kids and young adults will lose their lifes.These kids are coming from upper middle class homes with both parents,they are what some call "the good kids".

THANK YOU THANK YOU!! Someone finally said it outloud!! Parents now days are always looking to get their kid out of trouble instead of making them face the music! Then the parents wonder why their kid is hooked on herion and expect the tax payers to pay for their treatment! Parents are angry when told by the county that funding is so limited. Parents are angry when told the county does not hand out Suboxen to every herion addict. Parents are angry when told "no" for 3rd round of in patient treatment. Parents that allow their herion addicted kid with a $100+ day habit to live in their home are enablers. The kid can't hold a job, steal from their families, and commit crimes to feed their habits. And I am so sick of hearing "it's a disease..." Bologna! The kid CHOOSE to try the drug for the first time. Knowing it is addicitive, but decided "I'm going to do what ever I want". Why should the tax payers be stuck for paying for their treatment? Morgage your homes, take out a loan and take care of the little monsters you created!!!

Another link to the heroin problem is the record crops of poppies in Afghanistan which makes cheap heroin available.

Saying there's rat poison in cigarettes is misleading, and causes distrust of authority.

People with drug problems other than alcohol are welcome at AA meetings as long as they have a desire to quit drinking, which is the only requirement for membership in AA. Otherwise, there's NA.

They need to just let start smacking our kids around like the old days, that'll sraighten them up.

I've been saying the same thing for several years. Parents don't want to be parents, they want to be their children's friends. Kids need a voice of authority to help mold and guide them into being responsible citizens. What do you think about a requirement that the parents of minors who repeatedly get into trouble have to take parenting classes?

Kids are all told they are fine the way they are. Not true. Kids are lied to. Smart and well behaved kids are working hard for nothing. All the losers get the same perks. Kind of like the middle vs. low class.
PEOPLE, YOU NEED TO WORRY ABOUT HOW YOUR KIDS WILL TURN OUT AS ADULTS, NOT BEING THEIR BUDDY NOW.

Mr. Mcgowan," We've raised a generation of children who never face the consequences of their actions,and its coming back to haunt us". Is oh so true. When parental discipline was taken away by "society",children all too soon realized "I can do as I please,when I please".We cannot keep building jails,to harbor these "children".I'm not suggesting abuse,yet a trip to the "woodshed" would cure alot of these "ills",and restore families as responsible,law abiding.When your taught right from wrong early on it is easey to stay on that path.
,unless you have no conscience.