Nothing could be finer than a job in Carolina
July 2, 2009
Executive Assistant—Chief executive of prominent southern state needs experienced staffer to oversee all office and personal activities. Primary responsibilities will include keeping accurate track of governor’s whereabouts at all times, and assuring that governor does not travel beyond state borders unaccompanied by security detail, wife and/or children. Familiarity with GPS, surveillance tactics a plus. Knowledge of Appalachian Trail not necessary.
Budget Analyst—Republican governor with previously unlimited potential seeks senior budget analyst to handle a variety of issues related to transportation, lodging. Must have strong commitment to fiscal responsibility, aversion to misuse of public dollars. Successful candidate will have demonstrated ability to distinguish public and private expenditures, and at least 5 years’ experience in airline reservations and/or hotel management.
Spiritual Advisor—Standout GOP executive needs discreet professional guidance on wide range of home and family issues, including “forbidden love,” “blowing off steam,” “letting guard down,” etc. Note: Position no longer requires periodic service as chaperone, but successful candidate must still be willing to listen to endless stream of puppy-love and midlife-crisis piffle.
Personal Assistant/“Body Man”—Strong supervisory presence sought by governor with tendency to cross “lines,” if generally not “ultimate lines.” Applicants should be highly motivated, with excellent analytical and conceptual skills. Previous experience as school crossing guard, NFL referee, or graphic artist especially useful. Linguistics majors will also receive strong consideration.
Press Secretary—Unique opportunity for a highly talented and properly motivated individual. Former contender for future GOP presidential nomination now requires complete overhaul of media operation. New press secretary will be tasked with gaining office-wide acceptance of “Less is more, and none is even better” media strategy. Willingness to speak truth to power absolutely essential, including, as necessary, “No, you can’t do another interview with the AP today!” and “Stick a sock in it!” As circumstances warrant, press secretary will also collaborate with other staffers to hog-tie and muzzle governor and provide for his indeterminate stay in a padlocked room or storage locker. Additional responsibilities as assigned.
Pension Analyst—Southern governor contemplating sudden career change seeks expert counsel on all available options: retirement packages, deferred-compensation plans, plea bargains, etc. Knowledge of potential leisure-time activities especially attractive, unless activities involve potential contact with especially attractive females.
Soul Mate—No additional applications are being accepted for this position.
Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist. You can write to him at firstname.lastname@example.org.