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At media day you find reporters like these

TAMPA, Fla. — Pro football is America’s unofficial religion, and the NFL’s brilliance was again on display Tuesday.

So were—cue “The 12 Days of Christmas” — three Steelers dancing, two semi-nude Mexicans and a cross-dresser who got too close to me.

It was Super Bowl Media Day, the day real journalists like me hate to get out of bed. We want to spend an hour asking Ken Whisenhunt how he’ll attack Pittsburgh’s defense, and the contrived craziness detracts from our vital missions.

I must admit, the NFL is crazy like a fox. Its goal is to promote its product, and media day is the ultimate international weapon.

Samoan radio, German TV, Peruvian bloggers, all were welcome at Raymond James Stadium. Most knew nothing about football, but so what?

For the NFL, any publicity not involving Pacman Jones is good publicity. So it created an event that encourages TV personas to do what they do best, namely act like a fool. The only drawback is earthlings now think Americans have completely lost their minds.

Exhibit A—Ross Mathews of “The Tonight Show” handing a pink football to Pittsburgh’s Charlie Batch and asking in his best Ethel Merman voice, “Will you throw me a pass?”

I don’t know if Mathews is gay, but he plays it on TV. We would have found out for sure if he’d run into Ines Sainz.

Once Miss Spain, now an intrepid reporter with TV Azteca, Sainz was easy to spot Tuesday. Imagine Edward R. Murrow with long brunette hair and surgical enhancements dusted with sparkles.

She went around measuring players’ biceps. Byron Leftwich returned the favor and didn’t even try to keep his eyes on the reporter’s arms. “Y’all know,” he laughed to the TV crew. “Y’all are all guys.”

You can never be too sure at Media Day. Joel Bengoa of Telemundo showed up wearing heavy makeup, a red evening gown and a feather boa. He claimed to be the Cardinals’ Fairy Godmother, though he actually looked more like Chris Berman with a blonde wig.

Speaking of TV icons, Keith Olbermann was asked whom he favored in Sunday’s game.

“Anybody but Bush!” he said.

Just kidding. He’s taking the Steelers, and not just because they can dance.

Bryant McFadden won Entertainment Tonight’s prized disco ball. Roy Lewis did a nice Rockette impersonation for the Telemundo reporter wearing a Troy Polamalu wig.

Somewhere, Pete Rozelle had to be clicking his heels.

He started this nonsense all those years ago. Back then media day consisted of a few newspaper hacks sharing a smoke with Vince Lombardi. Having long ago conquered America, the NFL is now after the world.

The funny thing is our version of football will never be as popular as baseball or basketball since most countries don’t play the game. But the NBA Finals and World Series don’t draw the kind of attention a football non-event garners.

Neither does the G8 summit or even the Australian Rules Football championship.

“We don’t have a Media Day,” said Nicole Phillips of Network Ten Australia.

We do, and the show is never over until the mascara runs. I noticed that as I was leaving the men’s room and a person in a red evening gown hurried in.

“It’s not what you think,” Bengoa said.

I think he makes one ugly woman and that the world thinks the Super Bowl is actually a drag queen contest between Mike Tomlin and Whisenhunt.

But what does it matter what I think? As Lewis yelled during his dance for Telemundo, “Loco! Loco!”

That’s the NFL.

Loco like a fox.

David Whitley is a sports columnist for the Orlando Sentinel.