Whatever it takes: Hillary’s counting on it
So we’re so excited about the whole thing—the campaign, I mean—that we don’t just want to sit and watch it, we want to be part of it.
And of course, we want it to keep going forever so we can be a part of it forever, and the best way we figured we could do both things—being part of it and helping it go on forever—was to come up with new ways Hillary could argue that she shouldn’t drop out, and that actually she’s the one who should get the nomination, even if she doesn’t have quite as many votes or delegates as Obama has.
So we tried to come up with ways, just let our imaginations run wild, because nothing we could possibly come up with would be too wild for her to use herself once we told her about it. I mean, all by herself she came up with the one about the big states, and the one about nobody wins without Ohio, and the one about who won the states with more electoral votes, or just counting Democrats or not counting the caucuses, and even the one about nobody knows this guy and she’s been totally vetted and there aren’t any more shoes to drop, which is totally true except maybe for not remembering there were cameras at that airport in Bosnia—who cares?
Or even the one about how she’s staying in to give all the other states who haven’t voted yet a chance to be heard, which is a really imaginative one, since you have to figure if she’d been able to win in both Iowa and New Hampshire instead of just New Hampshire, everyone would have agreed she was “inevitable” like she’d been saying for months, and they’d have shut the whole thing down right away, or no later than Super Tuesday anyway, and you wouldn’t have heard a peep out of her or even Bill about how the poor people of Kentucky or wherever are being “disenfranchised.”
Anyway, that’s what we were figuring.
So we tried to come up with things, just ask ourselves What Would Hillary Do?
Right away we realized her name is longer. “Hillary Clinton” is 14 letters, and “Barack Obama” is only 11, so obviously she’d make a bigger impression on a ballot in November when every vote counts. Even if you use middle names, he only gains one letter on her because “Rodham” is 6 and “Hussein” is 7, and honestly, it isn’t going to help him to put “Hussein” as his middle name if you know what I mean, not that he’s a Muslim or anything. As far as we know.
Birthstones are a good one, too—she’s got Opal and Tourmaline, which everyone knows are strong leader kinds of birthstones, and he’s only got Peridot and Sardonyx, which sounds foreign. You can’t nominate a guy with foreign birthstones.
And her feet. I’m sure her shoes are way smaller than his, and whenever there’s a really great president, they say it’ll be hard to fill his shoes (only this time it would be her shoes), so the way to make sure of that is to pick the one with the smallest shoes, which means they’d be harder to fill. Unless somehow it turns out he’s got tiny feet, and then it would be her feet are bigger, and big shoes are harder to fill. Whichever.
And if the president has to squeeze into a really short space, like an underground bunker or something in an emergency, he’s much too tall, and people want someone who can fit into the bunker on Day One.
Or…
We’re just getting started.
Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist. You can write to him at rickhoro@execpc.com.
Mar 31, 2008 at 2:13 p.m.
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"HILARY won Florida and mich".........
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It isn't very difficult to win if your opponent is not even on the ballot, as was the case in MI, or didn't even campaign, as was the case in FL.
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Now that I "won" let's change the rules. Ya, right.
Mar 31, 2008 at 1:33 p.m.
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Clinton is performing a public service by staying in the race. Obama is a newcomer to national politics. There may be problems with his candidacy that have yet to be discovered which the Clinton campaign is searching for and will reveal when they find them. If McCain's people find and expose Obama's weaknesses, McCain will be condemned as a racist, just as some of Clinton's people have been. But Clinton herself is immune to racism charges. We need her to stay in the race, just to be sure that Obama is the real deal.
Mar 31, 2008 at 1:15 p.m.
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if hillarys last name wasnt clinton, which changes it seems by the year, she would not be where she is now. period. 40% of amecicans have NEVER lived when there wasnt a bush or a clinton in office and if she gets elected that number will obviously grow to an outrageous number. we need change people. can we change?? 'YES WE CAN' :)
Mar 31, 2008 at 12:48 p.m.
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marymac4,
Hilary and Barack didn't campaign in Michigan and Florida. Calling them a "win" for Hilary is an exageration, but most agree that she would have won those states at the time. Who knows what would happen now.
Mar 31, 2008 at 12:44 p.m.
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Does anyone remember when the candidate selection didn't happen until the CONVENTION? Remember McGovern wasn't nominated until the week hours and the work at hand wasn't always predicated around the best media time-frame? Let the GOP and Democrats decide at their respective conventions. If you want to get involved, get active with the local party. Most of all, remember that in a democracy, ANYONE is free to throw their hat into the ring and everyone is entitled to their own political judgments. It's the ones who vote who make the difference (or has Bush changed it to only the ones who count the votes matter?). VOTE ON APRIL 1 and voice your opinion loud and clear!
Mar 31, 2008 at 12:33 p.m.
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I am so sick of hearing the Clinton spin doctors say she won Florida and Michigan. They were not races! There was nothing to win. The other candidates were very public in their choices not to campaign there after each state's party leaders violated the actual party guidelines. Mrs. Clinton herself is on video in November stating she did not consider either state to be a valid election. You cannot change the rules after the fact to benefit your totals. Without complete elections conducted by the procedures of the last primary four years ago, the delegates cannot be awarded. Sorry Bill, but I think your manipulating days are over.
Mar 31, 2008 at 12:30 p.m.
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It isn't over.
Mar 31, 2008 at 12:14 p.m.
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HILARY won Florida and mich and should be given the peoples votes as she won Fl by 73% not to sure on Mich %. Yet again Florida has its way with cheating the people. It is the right of the people who decide not a crooked state.
Mar 28, 2008 at 9:55 a.m.
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The crazy part is that the Democratic party leaders in Michigan and Florida screwed her by trying to move up their primary dates. That violated the party rules, invalidating any voting. She probably would have won those states.
Mar 27, 2008 at 7:06 p.m.
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Hillary please go away!!! I am a democrate and she is making this race a mess!
Mar 27, 2008 at 6:55 p.m.
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Her kitchen sink strategy is just hurting the democratic party. She needs to stop thinking about Hillary and start thinking about her party and her country!
Mar 27, 2008 at 6:28 p.m.
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Even if Sen. Clinton somehow gets the nomination by manipulating the superdelegates, I don't think the public will ever accept it. She has lost the popular vote, and can't win it back. It's time to quit and give Sen. Obama the best chance to win in November.
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