They’re still sorting things out in Iowa

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Rick Horowitz
Wednesday, January 2, 2008

“…mind over matter, as they took their annual New Year’s Day dip in the frigid waters of Lake Superior. Quite a sight, Toby, as you can see here.”

“And they’re out of the hospital now?”

“All but two of them, Toby.”

“Well, they’ll certainly have a story to tell their kids someday—assuming they can still have kids! Anyway, speaking of traditions—this one’s every four years: We’re just hours away now from the start of the Iowa caucuses, and Action News has Cara standing by in Des Moines to give us the latest. Hey, Cara.”

“Hey, Toby. Well, after all the months and months of campaigning, and all the millions and millions of dollars, it’s finally come down to this: What are the people of Iowa going to do on caucus night? And we’re here with one of them, Toby … this is Will Punting, from here in Des Moines. Thanks for talking with us, Will.”

“Nice to be here.”

“So: You’ve been bombarded with calls and TV ads…”

“And e-mail. Don’t forget the e-mail.”

“Absolutely! Anyway, now that it’s all said and done, and you’ve had a chance to take a good look at all the candidates, have you come to a decision?”

“Well, I like John Edwards.”

“Edwards. And why is that?”

“Well, I think he’s probably the best at standing up for the little guy. Like he says, you need somebody in there who’s gonna fight for you, and I just think he can do that better than the rest.”

“So that’s one vote for John Edwards. Thanks, Will. Now back to…”

“Or Obama.”

“Excuse me?”

“Or this Obama guy. There’s something about him that’s very appealing, and he’s a very good speaker.”

“You’ve heard him speak somewhere?”

“Oh, five, six times, probably. He sounds real smart, and I think he can work with folks even if he disagrees with them. I guess that’s kind of important, too.”

“So you’re still on the fence between Edwards and Obama then.”

“Pretty much.”

“Thanks, Will. Now back to…”

“And Hillary.”


“She knows her way around things, you know? And if she ever gets into a big problem, she’s got her husband right there to help her out.”

“So let me get this straight: You’ve been watching all these folks for almost a year? And after all that time, you’ve still only managed to narrow it down to three?”

“Plus Dodd.”

“But shouldn’t you…”

“I think it’s real nice that he moved his wife and his kids to Iowa for the campaign. I think they should all do that. Why are the rest of ’em keeping ’em in Washington or wherever?”

“Because they live there?”

“Sure, but see, this is the Iowa caucuses we’re talking about. They oughta be willing to sacrifice a little to give us a chance to look ’em over real good.”

“And you’re not worried that that might strike people in other states as—I don’t know—selfish?”

“That’s not how we see it.”

“Apparently not.”

“We’re making a big decision here, and we want to be real careful. There’s three more rallies and a pig roast this afternoon, and then…”

“You kind of like all this attention, don’t you? You like having the candidates and all of us journalists making a big fuss over you.”

“I’m just trying to get it right, that’s all. Can’t afford to make a mistake.”

“Well, there you have it, Toby: One Iowa caucus-goer who is definitely voting for John Edwards, or Barack Obama, or Hillary Clinton, or Chris Dodd.”

“Or maybe McCain.”


Last updated: 3:17 pm Thursday, December 13, 2012

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