The myths and truths of domestic violence
Kerri Parker and Marilyn Harris felt as if they were reading a story they’ve read a million times.
Red flags popped in the story of Edgerton’s murder-suicide Aug. 17 or 18 and in a fatal domestic stabbing in Beloit the night of Aug. 9.
It’s too late to help those families.
But Parker and Harris want others to recognize the red flags that often are obvious—but misunderstood—in cases of domestic abuse.
Parker is the executive director for the YWCA of Rock County; Harris is the YWCA’s program director for alternatives to violence.
The women can’t and won’t say if they had been in contact with Jennifer Vordermann, who was shot and killed by her husband, Shaun Vordermann, before he shot himself in the bedroom of their home at 39 Mildred Ave., Edgerton.
Nor can they say if the YWCA talked with Stacy M. Hosey, 31, who was fatally stabbed by her ex-boyfriend, Donyil L. Anderson, 35, Beloit. Anderson also stabbed Hosey’s current boyfriend, Branden D. Beavers-Jackson, 23, Beloit.
Hosey died at University Hospital, Madison.
Anderson apparently tried to kill himself after stabbing Hosey. He was hospitalized under police guard before being transferred to the Rock County Jail.
When she called The Janesville Gazette this week, Parker said her “heart dropped” when she read the Vordermanns’ story.
Harris agreed.
“My first thoughts were: This is very tragic,” Harris said. “As I was reading, based on what (Jennifer’s aunt, Julie Ellingson) was saying, I saw lots of red flags. I felt very bad we weren’t able to be of assistance.”
What is abuse?
Victims of domestic abuse are not always punished physically.
They might be struck with words or loss of their human rights. They might be threatened or coerced.
Parker and Harris used feminine pronouns when they talked about the victims of domestic violence, because, they said, women are most commonly the victims. But men can be abused too, they said.
Abusers are not necessarily mentally ill, Harris said, although mental illness could exacerbate a violent nature, she said. Abuse is based on a person’s value system, Harris said, not their mental health.
Abuse is not about anger, it’s about control, Harris said. It’s about the perceived right of the abuser to own the victim.
Many abuse their partners without ever laying a hand on them, Harris said. Abuse might be coercion or threats.
If violence is involved, it comes in cycles, Harris said. The first stage is tension-building that might explode in an act of violence.
Sometimes victims trigger the violence just to get it over with, she said.
After the explosion comes the honeymoon period when the abuser apologizes profusely.
“He’ll say, ‘I’m so sorry. I’ll change. I love you,” Parker said.
Sometimes women stay in an abusive relationship because they enjoy the honeymoon stage, Harris said.
Abuse might creep up so slowly it becomes a part of the victim’s life until she doesn’t recognize it.
It might start with frequent text messages or phone calls. Maybe a boyfriend picks up his girlfriend from work every day.
It might look sweet from the outside, Harris said.
“Oh, isn’t that cute, he picks her up, takes her to work,” Harris said. “He’s doing all these wonderful and nice things, we think that’s very romantic. But those are also signs … you belong to me, now.”
Harris and Parker said abusers might set rules for their partners, telling them what time they have to be home from work or from running errands.
And in Edgerton and Beloit, it escalated into the ultimate control—murder.
“His intent is to do away with her and join her. They’ll be together in Heaven forever,” Harris said.
“He thinks, ‘If I can’t have her, no one can.’”
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LEAVING ABUSE
Leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time for a victim of domestic abuse, said Marilyn Harris, program director for alternatives to violence for the Rock County YWCA.
It’s important to have a detailed safety plan to get out, she said.
Don’t tell the abuser you’re leaving or where you’re going. But do tell a trusted friend, someone who can check up on you when you enact your plan.
Know where you’re going, whether it’s a shelter, a hotel or a friend’s house.
Gather and store things such as marriage papers, birth certificates, extra keys and emergency phone numbers.
Be flexible.
“It’s a process to get ready, and then it’s leaving when there’s an opportune moment,” Harris said. “If the time’s not right, you’re going to need to pull back.”
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LEARN ABOUT ABUSE
Resources are available to learn about reporting domestic violence or finding help for those in abusive situations and for offenders.
Most advocacy Web sites warn readers to only search the Web for help from a safe computer. Sites also urge readers to call 911 if they are in immediate danger.
-- The YWCA of Rock County. In Janesville, call (608) 752-2583. In Beloit, call (608) 365-1119. Visit www.ywca.org. Click on the “Find YWs” link, the “local associations” link and the state of Wisconsin on the map.
-- The Domestic Violence Intervention Program provides programming for offenders. Call (608) 757-5677. Visit www.co.rock.wi.us and click on the deferred prosecution link.
-- The Wisconsin Coalition to End Domestic Violence. Visit www.wcadv.org.
-- The National Network to End Domestic Violence. Call the hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or at TTY 1-800-787-3224 or visit www.nnedv.org.
Aug 25, 2008 at 5:26 p.m.
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Its not that easy leaving an abusive relationship.As a matter of fact I did leave and went to a house I didnt think he would find me. One of my so called "friends" told him where I was and within 6 hrs he had found me. He physically forced me home. I was 8 months pregnant at the time. So I figured I better go peacefully to avoid any "issues". It's not just physical, it s emotional too. When you are in an abusive relationship, It takes away your self-esteem, and self respect. you feel as if this is "normal". I used to live in fear everyday. I have no family to help me and my friends really arent in the position to help. You dont want to be a burden on anyone. I am no lonnger in this relation ship and I have been single for at least 2 years. Emotionally it does a lot to someone, I am content just the way things are and can say Im single "by choice". One thing though, dont judge someone until youve walked a mile in their shoes. Those that have walked in those shoes understand what I am talking about. Its impossible to say "what you would do" until it happens to you.
Aug 25, 2008 at 1:48 p.m.
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Ive never been in a violent relationship, Ive seen it through family and friends. I personally live by the rule of one shouldnt raise their voice period unless warning others of iminent danger. You can kinda tell when you meet someone and get to know them how they will react when angry. Capable of a violent uncontrolable explosion once...it can happen again, and each time you say to yourself...it wont happen again. Staying together for the kids is the worse thing you can do. Why dont they teach this in school? A domestic violence class? Should be mandatory.
Aug 25, 2008 at 1:33 p.m.
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Pwrtrip, quite often the victims of abuse don't leave because they feel they don't have the means to do so. They don't know where they'd go, they have no money, often no friends or family members. Abusers will usually pick their victims because of low self-esteem, little self-worth. Thus, the victim thinks they did something wrong and they deserve to be abused, as twisted as that sounds. Frequently, victims of domestic abuse come from abusive childhoods and they grew up not knowing that being abused is wrong. Yes, things are changing due to laws being stricter and educational materials being distributed. But, the fact remains that many victims of domestic abuse honestly feel they have no way out.
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I felt the same way you do, believe me. I couldn't understand why these people would stay with someone who beat the heck out of them on a daily basis. But, after working as an investigator and getting to know some of these people, I grew to understand. It still drives me nuts but at least I can see how it happens.
Aug 25, 2008 at 1:26 p.m.
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Pwtrip~Have you ever been in an abusive relationship???? Sometimes its very hard to get out of it, escpecially when children are involved. The courts don't protect children from their fathers/mothers. When she had that child, the father still had the right to see him/her. My daughters father was not abusive. He was an addict but he never abused me. When I became pregnant we had a fight one night. He destroyed our house. But never laid a hand on me. But I knew it might come to that. I knew I did not want to raise my child like that. So I made the decision to leave. I did have to plan it. I waited until he was at work, I had a friend come get me, I took whatever I could. The next day, I found my car at an apartment building and took that back. Then I went back to the house and took everything that was mine. Then I headed back to WI. I had my daughter here so that he could not keep me in the same state as him. My family lives in WI and I knew I would have a better life for my child here.
Aug 25, 2008 at 1:26 p.m.
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wrong pwrtrip. people CAN change. people CAN get better. they have to want to and the reasons most dont is cuz they ignorantly fear what others may say when they fail at a change and they cant fathom a lifetime of something other than what they know, so they CHOOSE not to change, but they most certainly CAN change.
Aug 25, 2008 at 12:58 p.m.
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ebaijunky06- WHY WHY after the 1st time something happened would you stay with him? Common sense should have kicked in. People dont change, get better, or anything like that, they are who they are. No offence...but If people like you would get a clue and get out...there wouldnt be no domestic violence. Just say NO. One can only run into a door so many times before they realize that it hurts, and you have to open it before walking through it.
Aug 24, 2008 at 8:02 p.m.
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Here is an interesting read:
http://www.lectlaw.com/files/fam27.htm
Aug 24, 2008 at 7:35 p.m.
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I vow to teach my daughters (and my son) to never put up with any abuse from a boyfriend/girlfriend husband/wife. I didn't put up with it and I will teach them to have a high self esteem. No one deserves to be treated like crap, whether it be physical abuse/telling them what to wear/constantly checking on there wear abouts or any of the other types of abusive behavior. Life is too short to be miserable and we are all worth so much more.....we don't deserve to be mistreated. No one deserves it.
Aug 24, 2008 at 6:53 p.m.
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I have an ex who is an excessive drinker and woman abuser. He screamed at his 6 yr old daughter and I told him he didnt need to scream at her like that. He beat on me pretty good. I was also 8 months pregnant with HiS child. I went into labor 3 days later wih a footprint on the top of my stomach.If you look up this mans past record, you will see he has NEVER been charged with domestic violence. He always take the plea bargain deal for disorderly conduct. Twice I thought he was going to kill me and still got disorderly conduct. He has abused every woman he has been with. No I donot think the laws are strong enough. Some people really know how to get around barriers in the system.
Aug 24, 2008 at 4:38 p.m.
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Domestic violence laws have gotten stronger in recent years. Is it helping stop domestic violence deaths? Seems to me that there are more than ever.
Aug 24, 2008 at 4:11 p.m.
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Domestic violence is being reported now more than before because of an increase in teaching victims that there are resources available to them. It used to be an accepted norm, that a man had a right to abuse his wife. However, with education, and the increased focus on the dangers of domestic violence, it has been brought to the public's attention.
There are pamphlets on the walls in the bathrooms at doctors' and dentists' offices. Nurses are instructed to ask in a discreet manner if an individual is experiencing domestic abuse. Networks on television inform the public about resources available to them, especially after a program airs that involved domestic violence.
However, many indiviuals who abuse and are arrested are taken to the police station and released with a fine/forfeiture. They are generally enraged and take it out on the victim. Laws need to become stricter to act as a deterrant for abusers. Jail sentences need to be in place, and mandatory counseling ordered. Guns should not be sold or in the possession of an abuser or someone with a history of abuse. Much more can be done, but the laws are just not in place.
The recent tradegies in Beloit and Edgerton remind me of the seven deaths in Delavan. When can we as a community say enough is enough??
Aug 24, 2008 at 1:52 p.m.
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I have a possible answer to your question. People are pratically born with the knowledge of domestic abuse laws instilled into their brains now. If a relationship goes south, the man (usually the man), will feel that all options are lost and he can't do anything to control her, because she is so protected. He is basically feeling backed into a corner and out of options. Essentially, allowing the brain to go over the edge, and with much help from substance abuse and some mental difficulties no doubt.
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I am not suggesting a rational statement here. Just that the abuser/ controller has no way to be abusive anymore without getting into more trouble than many years ago, when men could get away with it. Sick isn't it. This causes the person to go all the way I think. "If I can't control her, no one can."--kinda of thinking.
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Also, there is a definite change from the traditional submissive role of women now, and these certain men may not handle it too well. Not justifying it, just suggesting their off center thinking, which may add to my first point. But my question is, how do we move on from that!
Aug 24, 2008 at 1:21 p.m.
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When did domestic violence become so deadly? We seem to be reading more and more about how the abuser kills the spouse or significant other and then possibly themselves. Is it due to more access to guns? Did this happen in the old west when every cowboy carried a gun on his hip? Is it due to more mental illness? I've done some searching on the web and can't seem to find anything that would explain the seemingly increase in deadly domestic violence. Does anyone know of some good research on this subject?
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