Janesville76.4°

Time out, tide out. (But don’t tell her)

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Rick Horowitz
April 24, 2008
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“…another timeout down on the floor. Well, this has been a playoff series for the ages, and as it winds down, we … hang on, I understand Tim is standing by just outside the owner’s box, and we may have a chance for a few words from the owner of the Thrillarys. Tim?”


“That’s right, Brian … she’s right here. Good of you to stop by our microphone, ma’am.”


“Always a pleasure, Tim.”


“Your guys certainly gave it everything they had all series long, but I guess the Chicagobamas just wouldn’t be denied.”


“We’re in great shape, Tim, and we’re ready to move on to the next round.”


“Excuse me?”


“We’re in great shape, and we’re…”


“But you’re down by 17 with 53 seconds to play. It’s pretty much a mathematical impossi…”


“We’ve made more free throws.”


“So?”


“I’m just pointing out that we’ve made more free throws than the Chicagobamas have. I think that’s pretty significant. And we have more 7-footers in our lineup.”


“True, but…”


“You can’t go all the way in the playoffs without a good big man—everybody knows that. And we’ve got more good big men than they do. That’s just a fact.”


“And the fact that you’re down three games to two? And that there’s no way you can catch…”


“The tide is turning, Tim.”


“But how can you…”


“The tide is turning. As of right now, we’ve made more baskets than they have. We’ve been keeping careful track of this, you know, and we’ve actually made more baskets than they have from 6:30 this evening until right…”


“But the game didn’t start until 7! You’re—are you counting the ones you made during warm-ups?!”


“All I know, Tim, is the ball went into the basket.”


“In the entire history of basketball, they’ve never counted warm-up baskets as part of the…”


“There’s a first time for everything, Tim, and I think people are hungry for change. And there are all kinds of ways to keep score—where does it say we have to be stuck with just this one old metric?”


“The rule book?”


“Anyway, that’s the case we’re going to be making to the referees, and to everyone at the scorer’s table. And we think we’re going to win.”


“So…”


“Besides, we don’t know what could happen to the Chicagobamas the rest of the way. What if a piece of the arena roof fell in on them and crushed them between now and the final buzzer?”


“That would be terrible!”


“Of course it would. But you’d need somebody ready to step right in and go to the finals. The Thrillarys are always ready.”


“And the roof wouldn’t fall in on you?”


“Of course not. That’s ridiculous!”


“Ma’am, I know you’ve heard the whispers, the same as we have. ‘She refuses to recognize reality.’ ‘She’s totally in denial.’ What do you say to your critics who…”


“I say the tide is turning, Tim. That’s all I need to say.”


“But when you … well, the teams are coming back out onto the floor, and we’ll have to leave it there. Thank you for your time, ma’am … I’ll let you get back to your bunker.”


“You mean our victory terrace?”


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Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist. You can write to him at rickhoro@execpc.com.

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