Skenazy: Worried about the economy? Don't sweat it

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Friday, October 18, 2013

Many Americans are worried about the future of our economy. Not I—because I get letters such as this:
Dear Lenore (publicists write to me because I have a blog and hey want free publicity): I'm working with a new company, Fresh Body, and ne of their best sellers? Fresh Breasts! Boob sweat, or “swoobs” as we like to call it, is a problem most women are all too familiar with, which is why we needed a solution—and finally, we have one.
Yes, finally. Whew! Not a day went by for me when I wasn't wondering, “For goodness' sake, what is taking our scientists so long to address this problem right up there with rising ocean levels?”
My breast swells (and whatever else) as I marvel at the way some glorious American entrepreneur has managed to come up with not just a new product but a whole new product category: deodorant for new parts of the body! How long before there's a brand extension for men? And what would it be called? Fresh— uh—    What would it be called?
And then the company could start making unisex deodorant for all the other parts of the body we've neglected for so long. For instance, we haven't seen an antiperspirant for knees yet, have we? Or that area behind them?
Yet there clearly are a lot more knoobs in the world than swoobs. And why has the personal care marketplace completely ignored the inner elbow? Elboobs, watch out!
Mind you, Fresh Breasts is (are?) just one of the new products swirling out there. Here is another one that I just heard of this week and that, I feel I have to assure you, is real:
Many of us don't drink tap water, so why should we use it to wash our face? It's hard to believe, but the tap water most of us use to cleanse our skin actually does more harm than good by stripping skin of moisture and leaving it dry and dull. European women have found a way to avoid this by using micellar waters. This method of cleansing the face is gentle, protects skin's moisture and leaves you feeling fresh and clean.
Because I usually feel so filthy when tap water touches my skin.
It's a little disappointing that European women glommed onto this don't-touch-tap-water idea first, but then again, they got bottled water first, too. So I guess we just have to concede that when it comes to paying top dollar for something that's free, Europeans are out ahead.
But it's Americans who have come up with Baby Mantra calming massage oil for babies, the third product whose press release landed in my inbox last week. This one said:
Safeguard your baby's sacred bedtime bath with Baby Mantra, anew baby skin care line made of top-quality, all-natural and organic ingredients.
These ingredients are, by the way, gluten-free. Which is really fortunate, because what if the baby decided to guzzle the massage goop? That's quite possible, if she grows up thinking the stuff coming out of the tap is basically battery acid.
There are just so many new worries and body issues to think about. It's enough to make your breasts sweat! But thanks to American ingenuity, that's just not the enormous problem it used to be.
Lenore Skenazy is the author of “Free-Range Kids: How to Raise Safe, Self-Reliant Children (Without Going Nuts with Worry)” and “Who's the Blonde That Married What's-His-Name? The Ultimate Tip-of-the-Tongue Test of Everything You Know You Know—But Can't Remember Right Now.”

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