Newt, as in loot
--Gingrich campaign spokesman
TO: ALL STAFF
RE: CAMPAIGN UPDATE
Because everything about “Gingrich 2012” is going precisely according to plan, I’m sending this memo to the entire campaign staff to let you know that I think both of you are doing a terrific job!
Let’s keep it going, and the result will be truly historic. In fact, someday even these memos will be pored over by future historians as they try to fathom all we accomplished. (But why wait? Order the latest edition of “Newt Notes” on DVD or Blu-ray—just $19.95 plus shipping and handling.)
It’s not every day a presidential campaign emerges that breaks the bounds of the possible. So it’s no surprise that, when one does emerge with the potential to rewrite the political rule book, the chattering classes are quick to criticize. After all, we’ve forced them to move beyond their traditional campaign comfort zones of “money raised” and “delegates secured.”
Our campaign is about so much more than that. Our campaign is about ideas. Bold and new ideas. Brilliant ideas. Marketable ideas.
Ordinary politicians lack even a trace of that special spark that moves a nation forward in a time of existential crisis. But I’m full of it—which is why I can tell you with absolute confidence that we’re on our way!
Callista and I have never seen a better campaign staff, and now that we’ve carried out our first two rounds of strategic downsizing, we’ve got a lean, mean political machine that is the envy of every bloated, bureaucracy-laden campaign organization that’s ever lumbered across the wheat fields of Iowa. (Or corn fields—whatever.)
Speaking of envy: I know you’ve heard a variety of scurrilous rumors in recent days, all designed to suggest that I’m out of touch with the ordinary working man. First there were all those stories about our ostensibly luxurious Mediterranean cruise. You’ve also heard stories about not one, but now two enormous lines of credit at a certain high-end jewelry store.
How Callista and I choose to spend our leisure time is an entirely private matter, of course. I can assure you, though, that the lessons learned during our journey to the Cradle of Civilization are already being turned into stirring policy speeches, not to mention exciting videos that will make terrific Christmas gifts for you and your loved ones. (Pre-order now! Operators are standing by: 1-800-BUY-NEWT.)
About those lines of credit: Let me just say that I’m accustomed to my secular-socialist Democrat adversaries playing the class-warfare card, but I’m disappointed to find that some of my Republican colleagues have stooped to that level as well. As I’ve already said several times, “Go talk to Tiffany’s.” Or as Herodotus, another great historian, so often declared, “If you’ve got it, flaunt it!”
Let me sum things up this way: Our job is not to be distracted by the trivial, but to transform the country—just as we’ve transformed the old, worn-out ways of organizing campaigns. When you have ideas, who needs senior strategists? When you have ideas, who needs fundraisers? When you have ideas, who needs people on the ground in the states where the voting actually happens?
These are the myths and legends of another time, a time long gone. We are the makers of new myths, of new legends, and new media and new book contracts and new lecture fees.
So keep up the great work!
Just don’t ask me to make any more phone calls.
Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist. You can write to him at email@example.com.
Last updated: 5:35 pm Thursday, December 13, 2012